Live Wire Radio | Radio Variety

So, y'know how you watch shows like "The Donna Reed Show" and "Leave it to Beaver" and "The Brady Bunch" on TVLand, and you say, "Y'know what? Screw you, Hollywood! No one's mother is that perky or sweet or supportive, or always baking and smiling and wearing awesome get-ups."

Well, I beg to differ.  This is my mom, Sally.

Sally in October.

What? Why yes, that IS a sequined effing Jack-o-Lantern on her sweater. And YES, those are Jack-o-Lanterns hanging from her ears. So, suck it, Donna Reed. BEAT THAT.

This is what Mom wore on a shopping trip last year:

Shopping Sally

Did it bug me that my mom looked about 20 times cuter than me that day? OF COURSE NOT, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT?

But I digress. What I need to let you know is that if you've never tried my mom's baked goods, then you really haven't lived. And now's your chance. To live. And then die from ingesting too much butter.

"Sweets From Sally" will be up for auction at Live Wire's "Wave of Light" benefit at Rejuvenation, and if you don't bid on it, I'm sorry to have to use this language, but you're kind of a giant dumbhead. There. I said it. What are "Sweets From Sally, you ask? They're once-a-month deliveries of platters of baked deliciousness for SIX MONTHS. She emailed me a list of possible items, and they include the following:

Butter Pecan Rolls
Cherry Macaroons
Katherine Hepburn Brownies
Orange-Hazelnut Shortbread Cookies
Pistachio Bread
Kiss Cookies (the chocolate confection, not the band)
Raspberry-Cream Cheese Brownies
Chocolate Peanut Butter Balls
Texas Cake
Old-Fashioned Oatmeal/Chocolate Chip Cookies
Mini Frosted Cinnamon Crescent Rolls
And one Big-Ass Holiday Platter of Various Delectable Tidbits in December, delivered by a wee elven woman in a Christmas sweater (my mom).

There will be a platter of Raspberry Cream Cheese Brownies at the event that'll go to the highest bidder on the package. 

There will also be bloodshed.

You can get tickets and more information here.

(Oh, and thanks, Mom, for kicking Donna Reed's ass at every turn. I know how lucky I am.)


by Courtenay on August 15, 2012 - 10:16pm.


If you weren't already aware, the wonderful folks at Rejuvenation have agreed to host another benefit for us in August, and this year, the bar has been raised. I mean, the actual bar will still be the exact right height for you to get your special Live Wire cocktail, but the figurative bar will be somewhere near the ceiling. Why? Well, because some extraordinarily generous people have donated some items to our live auction this year that will blow your mind, like:
1. Bali Baby! One Week Vacation in Bali for 2
Includes lodging, some meals, $500 in traveler's checks, massages, snorkeling, and BEING IN BALI. Suggested activities: lounging, mai tais, lounging WITH mai tais.
2. Mother's Bistro & Bar Package Dinner for 6
Dinner for 6 at Mother's Bistro - THE place in Portland for mouth-watering slow-cooked, upscale comfort food. Includes wine and alcohol, excluding gratuity. Plus, Lisa Shroeder's amazing cookbook! Damn. Now I'm hungry.

3. Timbers Match Extravaganza for 4

Includes four club seats (August 31st Timbers match), four Lapel pins, four Timbers T-shirts + a Burgerville Gift Card (Walla Walla Onion Rings are in season!). If you know what #RCTID means, this is the package for you.


4. Bob Dylan VIP Tickets

Two VIP tickets to Bob Dylan and Mark Knopfler on October 15th at the Rose Garden. Feel free to make up your own Bob Dylan quotes after the show, a la Jonah Lehrer! Includes cocktails and appetizers at Toro Bravo. 


5. Dinner for Six in Your Home
Dinner, wine and beer for six with a floral centerpiece from Did we mention there is also live string music? There is live string music. 
6. Portland Center Stage Package
Two flex passes for PCS' fantastic 25th anniversary season, which includes Sweeney Todd, The Santaland Diaries, and the world premiere of Lauren Weedman's "The People's Republic of Portland." (8 admissions to shows of choice for each person).  

7. McMenamin's Gearhart Hotel Package

One night stay for two at McMenamin's beautiful Gearhart Hotel, a short walk from the beach, an even shorter walk to the links, and not a walk at all to the in-hotel pub! Breakfast and dinner and round of golf included. It's a golf-and-beer-lover's dream!


8. Fine Wine Package from

You know Oregon makes great wine, right? Well, has the goods.


Yeah, so that's some good stuff. Also, Faces for Radio will be performing a little somethin' somethin', the Doubleclicks and Blue Cranes will be performing, and the hilarious folks from Spicy News will stop by. Plus, a fella some of you know as MAYOR SAM ADAMS will be there. Get your tickets here, or be bummed out later.

*If you cannot make it to the event but still want to bid on any of these items, please email with your minimum and maximum bid and you will be virtually there!

** Purchase your tickets between August 7 and August 15 and you will be entered to win a $50 gift certificate to Tasty n Sons.   

by Courtenay on August 1, 2012 - 12:18pm.

Wave of Light II – A Celebration and Benefit for Live Wire! Radio

August 16, 6-9 pm @ outdoor party space at Rejuvenation: 1100 SE Grand Ave.

For only $25, you will enjoy appetizers, beer, wine, and your very own specialty Live Wire! cocktail.


  • Courtenay Hameister + Live Wire Cast
  • The Doubleclicks
  • The Blue Cranes Quartet
  • Spicy News
  • LoveBomb Go-Go
  • Special visit from Mayor Sam Adams
  • Silent & Live Auction including a week-long trip to Bali! Click here for a complete list of live auction items. If you cannot make it to the event but still want to bid on any of these items, please email with your minimum and maximum bid and you will be virtually there!

or Email: or Call: 503-548-4920 

OH HEY! Purchase your tickets between August 7 and August 15 and you will be entered to win a $50 gift certificate to Tasty n Sons. 


by Trent Finlay on July 16, 2012 - 10:15pm.

Do YOU have a super important question for Live Wire? Email or ask us on Facebook or Twitter. Extra points if you use the hashtag #DearLiveWire.

Gerrish writes:
If unicorns were real, would they make good pets?
Unicorns are real. They simply appear to the unaided eye as horses with horns on their heads.

Jean writes:
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as an unladen swallow. All swallows are laden in one way or another. By regret, by promises made but not kept, by bird lice. It is the maudlin truth of our age that we may never know the true air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow.

Linda writes:
At what point in history or prehistory did long hair become a necessary trait of the feminine archetype?
That’s an interesting question Linda, but deceptively phrased. The fact of the matter is that there is no one “feminine” archetype, nor has there ever been historically. Putting aside the fact that the myth of locational mono-culture is a function historical reductionism, ideas about beauty and femininity shift wildly from place to place and era to era. A traditional Zulu maiden would no more consider long hair feminine than a moustache, nor would any of her ancestors for a thousand generations backward. Conversely, your average Spartan hoplite, the figurehead of the most masculine (or at the very least, male worshiping) society that Western civilization has given us, was known for combing each other’s long, meticulously maintained hair before battle.

Your question might be better phrased “Why have popular Anglo-American fashions tended to favor, on balance, longer hair for women than men in the past few centuries?” although that seems like a silly thing to ask a radio program.

Dan writes:
You’re standing at the bank of a river, accompanied by a baby, a fox, and a bushel of corn. You have just shot your companion, who tried making a joke about brain teasers. How do you and everything with you get across the river intact before the police arrive and start asking uncomfortable questions?
Using the corn as an incentive, teach the fox to build a raft out of the piano the baby is playing.

Brian writes:
What IS the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything?
Otters holding hands.

Stephanie writes:
Can you watch our kids next weekend?
Woah Stephanie, woah. This is all going way too fast. First it was just good times and convertible rides and Laser Floyd, now everything’s all “watch my kids” and “I have a husband” or whatever. Let’s just slow things down a little, yeah?

Scott writes:
What color is your light saber?
Contrary to popular belief we are not Jedi. Rather, the show is written and produced entirely by scruffy-looking nerf-herders.

Michael writes:
It’s not the size of the audience, it’s how you use it.


by Trent Finlay on July 9, 2012 - 6:39pm.

The fact that “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” and “The Raven” (wherein Edgar Allen Poe tracks down a serial killer) were made frankly peeves us a bit, as we pitched some VERY similar ideas to the studios and they didn’t buy them, including:

Millard Fillmore, Werewolf Assassin
Zachary Taylor, Fillmore’s predecessor, didn’t die of Cholera. He was a known lycanthrope that Fillmore was forced to kill with a silver bullet from the musket in the vice presidential cabinet marked, “In case of Presidential Werewolf, break glass.” Fillmore kills half of congress, partly due to a rash of lycanthropy, and partly due to their refusal to vote with him on the compromise of 1850. 
Memorable line: That’s not rabies!

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, zombie slayer
Browning’s Jamaican roots come back to haunt her, literally, as a voodoo curse is cast over her Victorian estate and the surrounding village. Thankfully, her husband Robert Browning is a master of the ancient art of Jiu Jitsu, and they save the village through various immobilizing neck holds and face kicks.
Memorable line: How will I eviscerate thee? Let me count the ways.

J.D. Salinger and the night of the Banshees
Banshees invade Cornish, New Hampshire, forcing Salinger to come out of hiding. He kills them with a ray gun loaded with ennui.
Memorable line: Auuuughhhhhhhhgurgle!!

Dreamworks, we await your call.

by Trent Finlay on July 5, 2012 - 1:22pm.

The following is a conversation I had via text with a friend. It is just after midnight:

Me: Hey, sorry I didn't get back to you earlier. I'm exhausted. Long day.

Her: It's ok. I'm actually shaking I'm so hungry and tired.

Me: You should eat a banana and drink some water, immediately. What did you do today?

Her: I auditioned 300 people, I named, numbered and uploaded 600 photos to a server, I prepped two different episodes, conducted a live news interview and prepped an example casting session for a new agent.


Me: I watched Youtube for a while, took a four hour nap and ate two dinners.


Her: Yeah, well I win.

Me: There were TWO DINNERS. One had a salad and a dessert.


Her: We're not friends anymore.

by Jason Rouse on June 22, 2012 - 6:05pm.

Live Wire host Courtenay Hameister was asked to give the commencement address at Oregon Episcopal School this year - they're a private school in Portland with 100% college admission in their senior class. Her message for overachievers? Have you tried failing? 

by Trent Finlay on June 21, 2012 - 12:32pm.

Lady Gaga's sister, Lady Googoo

Richie Sambora

Fatty Arbuckle (If he was still alive)

Jose Canseco

Tommy Lee Jones

Irish People

Phil Spector

John Leguizamo

Your Mom

Louis Farrakhan

The Pope (of Greenwich Village)

by Jason Rouse on June 14, 2012 - 3:49pm.

Episode 180 with writer David Javerbaum, Project Censored's Mickey Huff, music from Reva Devito and all our sketches 'n such is ready for you to download in its entirety. Or you can watch/listen to snippets from the episode using the player or with the links below. 

Player not showing up? Watch it on YouTube


David Javerbaum
Mickey Huff
MUSIC by Reva Devito
Song 2
Sexy Times with Hitler
Stupid Buttface Monkey
What I Learned Tonight by Scott Poole: Episode 180
Downton Ab-BAY
Essay by Courtenay Hameister
by Trent Finlay on April 16, 2012 - 1:22pm.

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